Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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