Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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