Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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