I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
