Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Hippo gnu deer
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
