I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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