yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
