Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
