I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They took my balls.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
