Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
