There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
