gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
