I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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