STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
