he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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