I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
