Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
