he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
