i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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