you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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