Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
