when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
