No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
