I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
