I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
