I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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