my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Randomize
