bring money and cleavage
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
