Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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