Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
