what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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