you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
