i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
