I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
