ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My bed smells like the plague
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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