I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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