you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
