No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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