i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
