dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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