I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
