Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
