he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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