my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
