I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
