the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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