So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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