we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
