yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
