Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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