I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
