I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
