It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
